Finished 7/28/26:
This whole entry is entirely self-indulgent but that's what a website journal/blog is for anyway, right?
I've been thinking about gender more than I ever have before at customer service job recently. It's not like I've never had long stretches of bored hours to circle through random thoughts before, but gender usually wasn't something I lingered on for more than an hour. But now I can't help but feel I really want to change my (real) name.
My real name, which you don't need to know, is undeniably feminine. Usually, it's what gives me away if my voice doesn't do it. By that I mean sometimes people think I'm a honest to god man, or they're audibly/visibly confused on what I am, but then if I'm at work and they see my (required) nametag, they're do something stupid like apologize profusely. And it sucks! I like it when people are confused, it makes my day! I'm not a man, but I kind of like it when strangers think I am because it means I've made myself confusing enough that it overrides my more feminine body.
This is not a new thing, where I live is dominated by old-fashion richie retirees whose entire conception of gender is woman = long hair + makeup and man = short hair, so when I cut my hair short I started getting called a guy occassionally. And I always loved it. I could tell you the exact details of many different moments when people took me for a guy in high school, and I was over the moon. And I can tell you the exact details of when and who EVER referred to me immediately with gender-netural terms, since it's only happened twice outside the queer/progressive circles I hang around.
The first time was when I was still in high school, and I went to this small little "punk" market thing, where artists n shit would set up stands to sell stuff while rock musicians played in the bar nearby. There was a crystal lady there, selling less common stones and my mom was looking at them since she likes that sorta thing. I wasn't really engaging with them at all, mostly just looking around while my mom talked to the lady, but the lady at some point looked at me and said something about asking my opinion on some two pieces of jewerly my mom was conflicted on. And she specifically called me "they." This, to basically everyone else, was a nothing detail in a conversation I wasn't even in, but oh my god. I, at that point, had NEVER been referred to as they/them, I still indentified as a woman even, but ohhhhhh, I was so happy she called me that.
The other time was more recent. I was doing my current job, engaging with customers and all that, and talking to this lady and her husband about some product I don't remember. And At one point, while referring to me to her husband, the little old lady called me "this lovely person." There is a decent chance she is not a person who acknowledges nonbinary indentities and she just called everyone that or she couldn't tell what I was, but it literally does not matter to me at all. All fucking day at work it's "young lady," "girl," etc. etc. I was more expecting her to say lovely lady or something like that. But person?? PERSON??? Little old lady, whether you meant to or not, you made my whole day. Person! That's all I want! How can it be so wrong of me to just want to be a damn person?
Again, I don't know why it's been stuck in my brain so much recently. I've been called a guy or patronizing pronouns for women before (if one more person at work calls me "little girl" I'm going to bash their dusty old bones in, what is wrong with you???) at my previous, equally boring job. I've been going by my fem birth name despite indentifying as "definitely not a woman but not really that other stuff either" for years. And I know there's nothing invalid about being/presenting fem while still being nonbinary or whatever the fuck because gender is dumb and made up anyway. But recently MAN. When people read my name tag and go out of their way to call me by my name? There's literally nothing wrong with the action itself, they're trying to be personable with me which is much nicer than the people who act like I'm not even there, but FUCK. I hate it when they do that. I don't want to hear my name! I don't want them to know my name, because as soon as they do, it's solidified in their mind already!
And I don't know why I feel that way suddenly. People I know call me by my name all the time, and it's never gotten so far under my skin before. I mean, I kind of always considered changing my name when I started indentifying as queer, but it was more of a background thought that I wasn't really interesting in pursuing. Like, it seemed like something that would be cool but not worth the effort of getting everyone I already know to switch names (especially when some people don't even know about the whole gender thing...).
When I learned being queer was a thing you were allowed to be, I always thought gender just, wasn't a huge deal to me? Like, my body looks like what it looks like, most of the time I don't really care about the feminity, and on the occassion I did I could always just throw on the trusty binder and feel a little better. My names never been anything more to me than a noise people make to get my attention or to refer to me. Always hated my voice on recording since my voice sounds much lower to me then it actually is, but who doesn't dislike hearing themselves on recording? But a few weeks ago, aftering getting plenty of people referring to me as woman at work, I thought a bit harder about it at home while drawing, and I genuinely suddenly had my eyes water over and my breath stutter. I've never had that strong of a reaction to something gender related. I don't know what's going on with me??
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I don't really prefer any/all, because I don't think I actually like being called she/her, and I don't think I like my name. I feel like in theory it would be fine, if I knew for sure that the person calling me she/her didn't view me as a woman, since I know pronouns are not inherently tied to your gender indentity. But the practical problem is that people who hear I use any/all and then default to she/her aren't doing it because of that, they're doing it because they see me as a girl. I guess pretending I really don't have a preference makes it seem a little easier when I inevitability get called a woman by 90% of the people I casually interact with, certainly easier than accepting I'm never going to fully get what I want. I want my gender to not even be considered. I want people to look at me and think about my hobbies and my work and my friends and not of my gender. I want to wear whatever the hell I want, even if fem, and not have to think about how its going to change how I am percieved. But gender is too deeply embedded into everything for that to be the case right now, maybe for my whole lifespan. I know it's a little silly to complain over this, most people don't get what they want in life and a important life skill is being able to find happiness and contentment and community even if all your wildest hopes and dreams are a little too wild, but it still sucks! I'm still allowed to be sad about it! It fucking sucks.
I don't mean to make this all doom and gloom. All of my friends have been very accepting and normal about my indentity, and most of them exclusively call me they/them even though I didn't ask them to, and even some of the professors I work with have been very nice and accepting! I've been very lucky overall, and I know who to best associate myself with. Maybe work is a drag, but there are people I know and love who give me exactly what I want, and I adore them. And like I said earlier, I still get that spike of excitement when someone calls me "sir" or they/them or gets confused, that makes my days a little better. I don't know what I want to be named, but I know if I told them, they wouldn't even ask why.
It doesn't have to be like this. It doesn't have to be like this.
Be nice to people, okay? Sometimes even just having someone try makes all the difference. And in my experience, being around good people makes you better too.
This whole entry is entirely self-indulgent but that's what a website journal/blog is for anyway, right?
I've been thinking about gender more than I ever have before at customer service job recently. It's not like I've never had long stretches of bored hours to circle through random thoughts before, but gender usually wasn't something I lingered on for more than an hour. But now I can't help but feel I really want to change my (real) name.
My real name, which you don't need to know, is undeniably feminine. Usually, it's what gives me away if my voice doesn't do it. By that I mean sometimes people think I'm a honest to god man, or they're audibly/visibly confused on what I am, but then if I'm at work and they see my (required) nametag, they're do something stupid like apologize profusely. And it sucks! I like it when people are confused, it makes my day! I'm not a man, but I kind of like it when strangers think I am because it means I've made myself confusing enough that it overrides my more feminine body.
This is not a new thing, where I live is dominated by old-fashion richie retirees whose entire conception of gender is woman = long hair + makeup and man = short hair, so when I cut my hair short I started getting called a guy occassionally. And I always loved it. I could tell you the exact details of many different moments when people took me for a guy in high school, and I was over the moon. And I can tell you the exact details of when and who EVER referred to me immediately with gender-netural terms, since it's only happened twice outside the queer/progressive circles I hang around.
The first time was when I was still in high school, and I went to this small little "punk" market thing, where artists n shit would set up stands to sell stuff while rock musicians played in the bar nearby. There was a crystal lady there, selling less common stones and my mom was looking at them since she likes that sorta thing. I wasn't really engaging with them at all, mostly just looking around while my mom talked to the lady, but the lady at some point looked at me and said something about asking my opinion on some two pieces of jewerly my mom was conflicted on. And she specifically called me "they." This, to basically everyone else, was a nothing detail in a conversation I wasn't even in, but oh my god. I, at that point, had NEVER been referred to as they/them, I still indentified as a woman even, but ohhhhhh, I was so happy she called me that.
The other time was more recent. I was doing my current job, engaging with customers and all that, and talking to this lady and her husband about some product I don't remember. And At one point, while referring to me to her husband, the little old lady called me "this lovely person." There is a decent chance she is not a person who acknowledges nonbinary indentities and she just called everyone that or she couldn't tell what I was, but it literally does not matter to me at all. All fucking day at work it's "young lady," "girl," etc. etc. I was more expecting her to say lovely lady or something like that. But person?? PERSON??? Little old lady, whether you meant to or not, you made my whole day. Person! That's all I want! How can it be so wrong of me to just want to be a damn person?
Again, I don't know why it's been stuck in my brain so much recently. I've been called a guy or patronizing pronouns for women before (if one more person at work calls me "little girl" I'm going to bash their dusty old bones in, what is wrong with you???) at my previous, equally boring job. I've been going by my fem birth name despite indentifying as "definitely not a woman but not really that other stuff either" for years. And I know there's nothing invalid about being/presenting fem while still being nonbinary or whatever the fuck because gender is dumb and made up anyway. But recently MAN. When people read my name tag and go out of their way to call me by my name? There's literally nothing wrong with the action itself, they're trying to be personable with me which is much nicer than the people who act like I'm not even there, but FUCK. I hate it when they do that. I don't want to hear my name! I don't want them to know my name, because as soon as they do, it's solidified in their mind already!
And I don't know why I feel that way suddenly. People I know call me by my name all the time, and it's never gotten so far under my skin before. I mean, I kind of always considered changing my name when I started indentifying as queer, but it was more of a background thought that I wasn't really interesting in pursuing. Like, it seemed like something that would be cool but not worth the effort of getting everyone I already know to switch names (especially when some people don't even know about the whole gender thing...).
When I learned being queer was a thing you were allowed to be, I always thought gender just, wasn't a huge deal to me? Like, my body looks like what it looks like, most of the time I don't really care about the feminity, and on the occassion I did I could always just throw on the trusty binder and feel a little better. My names never been anything more to me than a noise people make to get my attention or to refer to me. Always hated my voice on recording since my voice sounds much lower to me then it actually is, but who doesn't dislike hearing themselves on recording? But a few weeks ago, aftering getting plenty of people referring to me as woman at work, I thought a bit harder about it at home while drawing, and I genuinely suddenly had my eyes water over and my breath stutter. I've never had that strong of a reaction to something gender related. I don't know what's going on with me??
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I don't really prefer any/all, because I don't think I actually like being called she/her, and I don't think I like my name. I feel like in theory it would be fine, if I knew for sure that the person calling me she/her didn't view me as a woman, since I know pronouns are not inherently tied to your gender indentity. But the practical problem is that people who hear I use any/all and then default to she/her aren't doing it because of that, they're doing it because they see me as a girl. I guess pretending I really don't have a preference makes it seem a little easier when I inevitability get called a woman by 90% of the people I casually interact with, certainly easier than accepting I'm never going to fully get what I want. I want my gender to not even be considered. I want people to look at me and think about my hobbies and my work and my friends and not of my gender. I want to wear whatever the hell I want, even if fem, and not have to think about how its going to change how I am percieved. But gender is too deeply embedded into everything for that to be the case right now, maybe for my whole lifespan. I know it's a little silly to complain over this, most people don't get what they want in life and a important life skill is being able to find happiness and contentment and community even if all your wildest hopes and dreams are a little too wild, but it still sucks! I'm still allowed to be sad about it! It fucking sucks.
I don't mean to make this all doom and gloom. All of my friends have been very accepting and normal about my indentity, and most of them exclusively call me they/them even though I didn't ask them to, and even some of the professors I work with have been very nice and accepting! I've been very lucky overall, and I know who to best associate myself with. Maybe work is a drag, but there are people I know and love who give me exactly what I want, and I adore them. And like I said earlier, I still get that spike of excitement when someone calls me "sir" or they/them or gets confused, that makes my days a little better. I don't know what I want to be named, but I know if I told them, they wouldn't even ask why.
It doesn't have to be like this. It doesn't have to be like this.
Be nice to people, okay? Sometimes even just having someone try makes all the difference. And in my experience, being around good people makes you better too.
